As I was preparing our Hump Day Blast, it struck me as appropriate that we should be sending single women a little bit of mid-week inspiration on my mother’s birthday, April 7th. My mother is a single mom and she’s part of the reason why I wanted to launch this site.
When I was growing up, I could tell that she felt bad about herself because she didn’t have a husband, that I didn’t have a dad. But I didn’t get it. She was everything to me, all that I needed and I honestly didn’t understand why she never thought she was enough?
My mother was 20 when she had me and although I don’t think it’s necessarily easier to be a single mother these days, it definitely wasn’t in the zeitgeist. In 1964, 7 percent of American children were born into single-parent homes. Today, 40 percent are born to unwed mothers. Single women weren’t writing books about having babies by invitro, surrogates or insemination and I know when she had me in the 70s, she felt the stigma, alone.
Luckily she didn’t have to deal with pundits like Ann Coulter, a woman who calls herself a Christian, but who is ignorant enough to preach that the children of single mothers are “second hand smoke.” How can you diminish the value of the life of a human being – a human being created by God – by one choice, somebody else’s choice? But I digress.
She did, however, have to deal with our family because she had me out of wedlock and also because she had chosen my father who was Jamaican, in my family’s eyes a no-no. (that’s another story).
You’ll read this statistic over and over again here. Unmarried people make up almost half of our population and yet, 29 states discriminate on the basis of marital status. That means in a State like California – a state which we think embodies liberal values – a woman searching for an apartment can actually be refused a rental because she’s single. No joke.
The fact that I was raised by a single mom is why I’m so passionate about health care. How could she have raised a child, inclined to stick peas up her nose and asthma attacks, “in the style to which I had become accustomed” on a single income, without it? Having our health taken care of means we had a chance.
Statistics say that children raised without their biological fathers living in their homes are much more likely to be poor and abused than children raised by their mom and dad. This is true across all racial and ethnic groups.
I graduated from an Ivy League College, did not end up in an abusive relationship, got a job and have always earned my way. It hasn’t been a cakewalk and I’ve had help but like many children raised by single mothers – our president included – I have a lot to offer. I’m so very happy my mother continued to fight for us, despite what was expected of us.
It would be an understatement to say that my relationship with my mother is imperfect. It’s a rough, re-covering from co-dependence, slippery slope but if you dig deep there is a foundation of love. So much of her shame and struggle has impacted my life’s journey.
No, she didn’t teach me to find a husband but what I have learned from trying to understand her and her choices is what I think is life’s most important lesson. “Know thyself,” as the Oracle of Delphi said. Why am I not surprised she was a woman?
It may be cliché but we come into the world alone and we die alone. Relationships change. At the end of the day, the wonderful (and horrible) people you meet along life’s journey surround the constant that is you. If you don’t like being with, can’t love, or understand yourself, it ain’t gonna be pretty.
I’m so grateful to be able to translate that lesson and our experience as mother and daughter into a body of work and pass this website onto you. I think there is still a stigma for single mothers – single women too – but there are thankfully, way more resources and I’m proud that we’re one of them.
Happy Birthday Chrissy (she hates it when I call her that). May this year be your most memorable. May it fill your life with everything you thought you would never have.
Love,
Kim
P.S. For our community, have you ever been discriminated against because you’re single? Do you think there is there still a stigma attached to being a single mom?
Hell yeah there is a still a stigma. I’ve been single for 5 years now raising three girls. When I expressed concern over my daughters homework the teachers always tell me how hard it’s going to be to stay on her because I’m a single mom. She has less expectations. I don’t and I won’t surrender to that mindset. I am a coach for single moms. THE Single Mom Coach and I say it’s to us to turn things around. I don’t feel bad about being a single mom and never felt more confident. There’s a lot that is challenging but I know I’m able to be a better mom exercising decisions that my daughters can see than having a spouse over dominate things.
By default, I had to raise my four children by myself. They are all adults now and as I like to say “all good citizens of the world.” I really enjoyed the journey, people seem to be amazed by that. I always looked forward not backwards and was excited about waking up and making it all work. Maybe, that’s is why I love mysteries and doing puzzles of all kind, the pleasure is in figuring it out.
Three of my children are with my first husband and my last child is with someone else. There were certain words that were never used in my household, my children have never called each other half brother or sister – why do me make a distinction? I jokingly would ask “Which half, the top half or the bottom half.”
Here are the other words that were not used in my household to describe anyone – Out of wedlock – bastard – step anything.
Today, my oldest is 33 and the youngest is 20 and we have strong relationships and are very connected to each others lives. I am so delighted.
By the way, I grew up on the island of Antigua in the Caribbean.
In my country, there’s still a stigma for women who decides to have babies unwed. Children without father can’t have birth certificate, therefore they can’t have residential number when they grow up. It’s sad though, but it happens.
So, lotta single pregnant women solve this problem. They marry men, any men who’d like to marry them, to give name of the father as the baby is born. And then, they divorce the father. But it just creates new problem in the temporary marriages, such as domestic violence or conflict about family treasury.