Have you ever had that one date that made you never want to date again?  Come on ladies, you know what I’m talking about.  The one that takes you down the yellow brick road, that ends at never never going to date again land.

A few months ago I ended a 1 1/2  year sabbatical from dating.  One crappy relationship after another had me thinking that it really was me, the common denominator.  How was it possible to date the exact same type of man over and over again?  Evasive.  Detached.  Selfish.  And my favorite, commitment phobic.  I needed to change.

How does that saying go?  If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you they are yours…yada yada yada.  Enter Mister I-can’t-remember-why-we-never-went-on-a–third-date.

Dick’s Story

Approximately 2 years ago I dated, oh, let’s call him, Dick.  Date one was painful, all he did was yammer on about his job, never stopping long enough to ask me anything about me.  Date ended, I went home.  I had hoped he recognized my sheer boredom as do not call her back and yet, he did.  Apparently he thought we had a fabulous date.  I blew him off, until a friend pointed out that some people, when nervous talk about the one thing they are confident about.  And boy was he confident about his job.

Date two wasn’t as bad but there was something very important missing.  Attraction.  Chemistry. He was a top executive at a financial company.  I write horror and dress up as a Zombie for fun.  Oil.  Water.  I told him that we didn’t go.  He thought we were a perfect match. He pursued me relentlessly for months, finally giving up after unanswered emails, texts and voice mails.

Dick, I’m Sorry It’s You.

Fast forward to 2010.  Dick suddenly messages me out of the blue.  It was an odd coincidence considering I had just decided to start dating again. Somehow he easily convinced me to go on a second first date with him.  What did I have to lose, even if it ended up being the same boring showing of two years earlier at least I would have dating practice?

Then came the dating dance.  Book.  Reschedule.  Book.  Reschedule.  Book.

OH COME ON!

What is this guy’s problem?  He was adamant that he HAD to go on another date with me.  I should never have agreed to even go on a date after cancellation #3 but now I was curious.

D Day

Text:  Can we meet at 8:30 instead of 8?

Ok, at least he wasn’t canceling.

Next he keeps me waiting in the lobby of his condo for 20 minutes so he can change.  Is he a girl?  Better yet, why am I still waiting?

In the original plan, I was going up for a glass of wine then we were going to a bistro.  I figured he was already late and would want to go straight to restaurant.  Instead he calls down to let me know he’s dressed and asks if I’m still coming up.  Lucky me.  At this point I figure hell, I may as well.  I am curious to see the spectacular condo he has bragged about.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows when I am trying to impress, I dress the part.  Shouldn’t men do the same?  It apparently took him 20 minutes to change into a faded t-shirt and khakis.  Wow.

That wow wasn’t for the clothes, it was for the apartment.  It looked like a tornado had hit it.  Note to self:  send him the number of a maid service.

The Nail In The Coffin

He couldn’t remember what I did for a living even though I told him twice on the walk over.  Then, there it was, the reason he never got to date #3.

He told me about the threesome he’d had a few weeks before.  Oddly he was taken aback when I stopped him mid sentence, explaining that it was inappropriate to talk about that on a first date, even a second first date.  Apparently he thought it was ok to bring up this topic since I wrote porn.  Porn?

After explaining to him that I actually wrote horror, he snickered remarking that horror was just code for Porn. Oh really?  Ten minutes later, he’d had enough of my lecturing on his behavior so he excused himself, something about an early morning.

It took me a few days to calm down.  Once again Dick turned out to be like all the other Dicks I had dated and when the steam subsided I realized I couldn’t let this be my dating future.  Instead, it showed me what I will not put up with.

The Moral Of This Story

You have to date a lot of Dicks before you find your Gomez Addams.  He’s out there.