“I don’t think this is a great first date conversation,” I said.
“Why not?” He said chuffed, like my willingness to talk about sex with him was an indication of my willingness to have sex at all.
Somehow our conversation about movies had lead us to the kind of woman who withholds sex in her relationship and uses it as a bargaining chip to get what she wants. My date last night thought this was a good opportunity to segue into a pop quiz about how often I think a couple should be doing it.
Now here’s the thing. I wasn’t entirely sure I was attracted to him, yet. I tend toward either a physical or mental attraction right off the bat. If you get me talking about social issues, the environment and work, I’m probably not thinking about your skill set in the sack, at least not at the moment. If there is a possibility that I’m attracted to you in both ways, I step on the brakes and slow right down to get a really good look at the road I’m driving.
It’s not the first time I’ve been on a date with a guy who has gone out of his way to let me know he has needs and what his expectations for sex are in a relationship, like somehow I don’t have needs of my own. However just because I don’t have my knee smacked up against yours or because I’m not constantly touching your hand within an hour of meeting you, doesn’t mean I’m frigid. It just means I’d like to know more about you and make sure you’re not some freak show, stalker, weirdo before I see you in the buff. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, yeah, you think I’m cute. (I got your not-so-subtle references to how I look the first three times.)
Yeah, yeah, you want to see me naked. (You’re a guy, you think I don’t know that?)
Thing is though, the more you push me into having this conversation in the hopes that I’ll drop my drawers sooner, the less that I’m interested in dropping them, for you. Your helpful instruction that sexual intimacy is an important part of a relationship, isn’t really. I know that. I’m a grownup. When I’m in a relationship I do it, often. However I’m not in one with you.
Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger says, “Thou Shalt Not Give Nookie on the First Date: Kissing and hugging = that’s fine.” What about talking about it? Do you think the first date is too soon to talk about sex?
Exactly, at least he was direct, points, but yiks. My question = “When was the last time you were a ‘we’.” Meaning a couple–because how long he had to detangle himself is more important than the last time he had sex!!!
Is the first date too soon to talk about sex? Absolutely. I agree with everything you wrote. As the author of The Ones That Got Away – A Dating Memoir, I’ve chimed in on this one before.
In a lighthearted interview I had been asked to offer men five successful dating tips. One of the things I suggested was NOT to ask, “When was the last time you had sex?” I culled this precious little tidbit, as well as the others, from my own actual dating experiences.
Here’s the deal. Arrangements had been made for me to meet a potential would-be dater, at a Starbucks, on a Saturday morning, at 11:00 a.m. – pretty casual; in fact, you almost can’t get any more casual. Anyway, we meet, get some coffee, and begin the initial round of questioning. “What brought you to Arizona?” (pretty typical question) “How long have you lived here?” (pretty typical follow up) “When was the last time you had sex?” (not so typical – WHAT?!?) Who asks that?
Now here’s the thing. I didn’t fault the guy for wondering (he’s a guy, after all). I don’t even fault him, completely, for asking the question (he’s a guy, after all). What I fault him with is how indelicately he asked it (I know – he’s a guy after all). I think it would have been less offensive if he had shrouded his inquiry in witty innuendo, skirted around the issue in a playful way and got a little cat-and-mouse thing going. If it had been a little fun, it may have endeared him to me – as opposed to repulsing me. I just can’t imagine what the heck he was thinking? What answer do you think he wanted to hear? A couple of weeks ago? Yesterday? 10 minutes before I left to meet you? I was completely turned off by this guy. No refills, thank you very much.
~ M. Hill