I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to let him stay with me for an entire weekend, considering we had never met in person before.  It was Friday afternoon when Scott flew into Miami.  We decided to take our online relationship offline, with one big issue — he lived in Atlanta and I was in Miami.  Our conversations were going so well, he decided to buy a ticket to meet me in person.  Like a dumb ass, I agreed to let him stay at my place vs. getting a hotel room.

It started out nice.  He was decent looking in person — tall, athletic and all smiles as I picked him up at baggage claim.  He gave me a big hug which was sweet.  I seemed to have caught a faint scent of mildew as we hugged, but shrugged it off, probably something smelly in this nasty airport!  I brought him to my favorite park along Biscayne Bay where we walked and talked for a couple of hours.  It was nice, romantic and relaxing.  I felt very comfortable with Scott.  He was a genuinely great guy and I was happy he wasn’t a psycho (so far).  We kissed for the first time, sitting on a park bench overlooking the bay.  Perfect!  Well, the ambiance was perfect, the kiss was sweet, but for some reason I got that distinct smell of mildew again!  Weird, I thought.  And, was that a patch of hair on his chin?  Double weird!  He probably missed that while shaving.  No big deal.

After a great day in the park it was time to get ready for dinner.  He wanted to take me to a nice place for our first official “date,” so we head to my condo to get cleaned up.  I set him up in my guest bathroom and I head to the master.  After about 15 minutes, I hear this deep, billowy, operatic voice belt out, “Oooold Mc-Don-ald…had a farm….E-I”.  He paused.  “E-I”.  Pause. “OOOHHHHHHHH!”

Wow, I was in for a long weekend!  What did I get myself into?

After I endured a few more rounds of “Pavarotti’s” serenade.  Did I mention he sang, FIGARO too?  We were finally ready to get going.  He leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the lips and I noticed a faint smell of mildew again!  That pungent, distinct smell you instinctively turn your nose up at.  I remember thinking to myself, Why does his face smell like mildew?  Didn’t he shower in there?  I know I put clean towels in the bathroom dammit-did he bring his own stinky ones from home to wipe off with?

What the hell is going on with this guy?  And now I’m seriously noticing all the patches of hair he has on his face-where he missed with the razor.  It wasn’t one or two — it was like at least 10 spots he missed.

I survived dinner but the next day, we were heading to South Beach.  Stinky didn’t own, and has never owned, a pair of flip flops!  Really?  Ok, not the end of the world, Old Navy has great flops for cheap.  We grab two pairs and head to check out.  The cashier rings tells us the total is $5.38,  to which Scott replies, rather loudly, “That was a good year!  Hahaha!”

I’m perplexed.  What happened in the year 538 that is significant?  Why is he so loud?  Should everyone find this amusing?  The cashier and I make eye contact with a snicker.  She thinks he’s a dork too and  I walk outside of the store, completely embarrassed.  As soon as Scott catches up with me I asked him,“So, what’s so significant about the year 538?”  (Maybe I’ll learn something from the high school history teacher?)

“Nothing!” He said.  “I was just making a joke!”

Now I’m done.  I’m done with this stinky dork with hair patches on his face!  Stinky Patches has to go but his flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow.  Fuck.  Well, I’m just going to let this guy pay for every drink and meal we have for the next 24 hours and then kick his ass out of my car the second we hit the airport!

And that’s just what I did.  As we arrive at the airport on Sunday morning I said,“I appreciate you coming down Scott but unfortunately this isn’t going to work out.  We are just too different.”  Now get the fuck out of my car you freaking stinky geek before I stick my stiletto up your ass! (Damn I really wanted to say that!)  He bowed his head down and said he understood as he quietly got out of the car.  I sort of felt bad-but got over it the second I drove off!