“I will no longer cater or care about you or anyone but me. I will be just like you.” That’s how the e-mail from my mother ended.

It’s not the first time she’s e-mailed me angrily. She has to, I stopped taking her calls.

Even though my mother managed to pull herself out of a physically abusive relationship years ago, she can’t shake the behavior that put her into it. Her front to the world is that she’s got it all together, meanwhile at in the privacy of her home, her family –- these days my grandmother –- is subject to her verbal, emotional and violent outbursts, reminiscent of the ones she had with her boyfriend while I was growing up.

I have no room in my life for her way of being and although living in another country has kept me safely out her way, I’m drawn in to defend my grandmother from time to time.

What my mother usually accuses me of is being selfish, like somehow taking care of myself is wrong. Being selfish though, is key to thriving.

In their book, Ask and It Is Given, Esther and the late Jerry Hicks teach that, “…if you are not selfish enough to deliberately align with the Energy of your Source, you have nothing to give away.”

When you’re living in a state of lack and disconnectedness from your desires, you can’t understand that selfishness is literally to connect with self. People who don’t understand how to be selfish -– caring supremely for oneself –- don’t understand the concept of self-love. They blame everyone else for their unhappiness, because they don’t understand that the responsibility for their lives lies solely with them, with their choices.

In reality my mother never understood the concept of taking care of someone, but I forgive her for that, how can you take care of someone else when you have no idea how to take care of yourself? What I won’t forgive her for is her unwillingness to accept responsibility.

If you have trouble being “selfish”, ask yourself:

1. Do you have firm boundaries? Do you have standards set for yourself on how you expect to be treated and how you treat others?

2. Are you truly connected to your desires and more importantly, have you given yourself permission to pursue them?

3. Do you know how to receive? Do you know how to allow love…good…friendship…
wealth…opportunity, in?

4. Are you obsessive in you desire to help others and then resentful when you’re not appreciated for it? Remember, doormats get used, not thanked.

5. Are you lacking in self-esteem? This ties in to #3. If you don’t think you’re valuable, you won’t be able to accept anything valuable that comes to you.

Whether or not someone else thinks you’re selfish or not has no bearing on the answers to these questions. Because that’s the thing about other people’s judgments, they’ve got nothing to do with you. Understand that it is not necessary for everyone else (or anyone else for that matter) to understand what you are learning here in order for you to live a wonderful experience.

So the next time you’re making self-care a priority and some calls you selfish, say thank you. It means you’ve gotten your life right.