A guest blog from Liz @ WeLoveDates, an online dating website and dating advice blog.

A few weeks ago, I was at a party with friends I hadn’t seen in awhile.  One of my girlfriends spent the evening flirting, kissing and basically hanging all over some dude I assumed must be her new boyfriend.  Later on when I inquired about her new love, she set me straight.

“No, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s my friend.  It’s like a friends with benefits thing…he doesn’t want anything serious.”

Fast forward to yesterday, when she called me in tears because her “friend” told her he had met a girl, one that he wanted to be his girlfriend.  She admitted that she’d been hoping their sexual relationship would spark more of an emotional one for him, and she was pretty devastated when it didn’t turn out that way.  She felt dirty and used, yet there was nobody to blame but herself.  She had spent so much energy pretending to be okay with a friends-with- benefits relationship that she had nearly convinced herself that she could control her feelings and hit the mute button when it came to her emotions.

This whole circle jerk got me thinking.  What, besides sex of course, are the benefits that come along with a friends-with-benefits relationship?  Is there any orgasm in the world that is worth muting our emotions for?

Emotions are unpredictable.  They sneak up on us when we least expect it.  On Tuesday, we might be okay with casual sex with a friend, but what happens on Thursday when we wake up and realize we have (GASP) feelings for him?

Stop kidding yourself.  If you’ve found yourself in a sexual relationship with a friend, it’s probably safe to say that there are feelings already involved.  It’s not some one night stand.  You know this person, and you enjoy spending time with them so much that you want to do it naked.  And you’re probably using your friends with benefits relationship as some sort of gateway to an actual, serious relationship.

Instead of spending so much time trying to control your feelings like my friend did, invest that energy into someone who wants what you want, and  who can give you all of what you deserve, not just a small part of it. Your emotions, your feelings, your needs and wants are there for a reason.  Don’t hit the mute button.  If anything, turn that shit up louder.

Delaine Moore, author of The Single Sex Life a Single Mom was a stay-at-home mom for seven years when she discovered her husband was being unfaithful.  At 37, the single mother of three discovered that her long-dormant libido had suddenly come alive—and so surprising even herself, she decided to listen to what it was saying.  Here are her top 5 coping tips for newly single or divorced women:

1. Be sad but put a time limit on it.

We’re often taught that sadness is something we have to avoid or escape, as if it’s a “bad” thing. But why wouldn’t you feel sad when you’ve suffered emotional pain or feel lost? The key is to feel the sadness full-force, but not linger there. Promise yourself you’ll go to work and put on a happy face as required, but when you get home, you can take three hours, six hours, or perhaps even all night to succumb to the sadness. Dwell in the past, go through old letters or photos, watch sad movies, cry until your eyes are giant tomatoes—but once that time is up, commit to getting back to ‘living.’

2. Distract and downplay.

This is something men are generally better at that women. Wired to be “problem solvers”, they look at the problem—feeling sad, angry and alone on Valentine’s Day—and find a quick solution that prevents them from feeling it, i.e., work longer hours, go see a movie, have dinner with friends, maybe even all of the above. This coping technique is a temporary fix, one designed to keep your mind and body preoccupied so that the day can pass like any other, but hopefully with a few laughs or a sense of having been productive .

3. Celebrate “other” loving relationships.

Though Valentine’s Day is viewed as a day to celebrate partnership and romance, the reality is that 43 percent of all Americans over the age of 18 are single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Thus, it’s ok to broaden the meaning of this day by celebrating other important relationships one has in his or her life, i.e., family, friends, and children. What relationships have you neglected to recognize in the past on this day? Now is your opportunity to mark the day with new meaning and rituals.

4. Give to someone who needs it.

Consider who else in your life is going through a tough time, possibly tougher than you, and what you might do to brighten his or her day. When we take our attention off of ourselves and give it to other people, we can’t help but feel better. You can give your time, your conversation, your hands, or your smile. You may even want to buy him or her a little something—chocolates or maybe an inspirational book.

5. Massage the “new you” in the making.

This could involve a physical transformation such as a new hairdo or outfit, or committing to exercising and getting in shape. Or explore the “sensual you” at home with a glass of wine, a sexy book and a sex toy. You might take a new direction in your life, and use this time to chart new goals, be them around work, your social life, maybe even your dating life (is online dating on your radar yet?). This tip is about self-acceptance, allowing the emerging you to have voice and be heard. For even though you may not know exactly where your life is heading, you know that next year at this time, life will make more sense.

You don’t speak up for yourself. You don’t take your life seriously. You don’t demand to be treated with dignity and respect. If you relate to any of the three previous statements then when it comes to relationships, you’re probably acting like a girl, not a grownup.

“A lot of women treat their romantic life as if they were girls and not women,” says Author and Relationship Coach Virginia Clark. Clark met her husband when she was 46 and married for the first time at 53.  With her company, It’s Never Too Late To Marry, she works with women in their 30s, 40s and beyond who want to get married but who are losing faith that it will happen.  “Men don’t fall in love with girls. They date girls. They bed girls.  But when they meet a real woman, she will challenge him to be the best man he can be. Many men are lazy. When they have a woman they’re inspired by, they become much better men.”

So what’s the difference between behaving like a girl in a relationship versus behaving like a woman? Cyndi Lauper said it best, “Girls just want to have fun.”

Your girlish behavior probably started back in high school but didn’t graduate when you did.  Girlish behavior translates into doing things like giving up your power to a man and idolizing him; not standing up for yourself when you’re being disrespected or abused; or sailing through life without taking yourself seriously and knowing that you have a reason to be here.  To put it bluntly, girlish behavior is not doing the work you need to do to become the best woman that you can be.

Ouch.

“When you think of yourself as a woman and not as a girl, it gives you a different sense of yourself,” says Clark. “A lot of women resist the `woman’ word because it makes them feel old, but the truth is when you come from your woman place, you’re younger at heart and secure and confident.”

Here are a few of Clark’s tips to get rid of your faulty, high-school-girl thinking:

Take Full Responsibility.

Although it may sound a little scary, taking full responsibility for your romantic life is actually very freeing. If you’ve been single for a long time and you don’t want to be, you have a blind spot. If you’re having the same bad dating experiences over and over again, or you’re unable to make a strong connection, there is something you’re not seeing so get some help.

Take courageous action.

To create change and to have a really strong loving relationship, you have to have courage. Risking rejection and being vulnerable is a risk and it’s an important one. Without vulnerability, there is not intimacy, and without intimacy, there is no true love.

Create your ideal reality.

“I absolutely think we create our reality and that when we become the best woman that we can be, we will attract the best man,” says Clark.  “There is someone out there for everyone, I have no doubt”. The more specific you are about creating the life and relationship you want, the more likely you are to get it.

Stand in your power.

A man who has a deep sense of himself will love and appreciate a powerful women. When a man has met a woman he’s inspired by, he’ll step up to the plate to win you over. Stop putting up with the wrong man, just to have a man. In the end, it’s not going to work, so if you’re interested and committed to a deep, real and loving relationship, stand in your power as a woman and watch you relationships transform.

Virginia Clark has clients in the United States and in Korea, Australia and England. CLICK HERE TO register for a complimentary “Attract the love of your life breakthrough session”.

(photo credit:  zazzle.com)